There has been a social media meme that sparked a debate. The meme has a visual representation of four individuals and poses the question “Who Comes First?”. The four individuals are of a Mother, Wife, Daughter, and Baby Mother.
Immediately I thought to myself, “why are we describing the mother of the child as a baby mother?” That’s derogatory and demeaning. Let’s change the narrative and give respect to all parties involved.
We have to lead! She is the mother of your child. Now that is clear, I thought the decision for everyone was a no-brainer.
Wife right?
Or so I thought. I found myself in many different debates explaining why I believe the Wife is always first. I was astounded at the thought process and reasoning of why others chose other options as first.
With that being said, here is my reasoning of why the wife is first by discussing each role.
Mother
We love our mothers and they are amazing! They birthed us and nurtured us to the best of their abilities. They helped us grow into the men we are today.
They are very knowledgeable and have played the role of wife, mother and child at one time in their lives. They can offer some great insight on who should be first out of the four. This may be based on bias for themselves, the child, wife, or child’s mother.
As great as mom has been to us, she is not first, nor second and sometimes will be a toss up between third and last. They are a reference and not the source. Their role decreases immensely once we became men.
We can no longer lay on their laps or their bosoms and depend on them to take care of us. We become men of our own house and start our own families.
No matter how awesome Mothers are, we can no longer depend on them to save us! We are no longer the men of their homes nor treat them as our spouses.
Giving them the power to lead us will hinder your relationships. This does not mean their advice isn’t invaluable, it means we should absorb their knowledge and apply it appropriately ensuring it doesn’t put us in a boy’s role.
We are men and the head of our new families!
Mother of Our Child
This section may be short because their opinion on a man’s marriage begins and ends with the child. They will not have an influence on decisions that don’t impact the child directly. Don’t let them influence your husband and wife relationship.
It is up to the husband to control the relationship between mother, wife, and child’s mother. CLEAR BOUNDARIES. The husband must also facilitate the relationship between the child and the child’s mother to make sure all parties are comfortable.
YES, we have a lot of responsibility, we created the environment, so manage it. We must not allow the mother of our children to control the relationship between our mutual children and our wives. Manage it!
I get it, our child doesn’t have to accept our wives as her new mother, BUT she must respect her as an adult and as our WIVES!
Child
They are first before you get married. If you think you have always put your child first, think about the times you sought a babysitter or switched the schedule with your child’s mother to go out on a date with your wife, who was at the time your girlfriend.
Got it?!
I have read women say “I would never expect a man to put me in front of his child”.
That is good because it isn’t up to you, it is up to the man.
We, as men, need to balance the relationships. We as men, need to show our children how highly we respect and think of our wives.
As a father, it is up to me to show my son how he should treasure his future wife. If I had a daughter, it would be up to me to provide an example of how she should be treated as a wife. This does not mean the child will be neglected in any way, this shows order.
Children will receive love and understand relationship transition. They invite additional love from others.
It is up to us as men to marry a woman that we are confident enough to be an additional parent/extension of us. We can’t allow the child to cause a riff by splitting. We must be on one accord with our wives to show them that we are a team that is there to care for them. We have to teach them roles.
The children don’t make decisions in your household!
Wife
Happy wife, happy life! Thou shall not neglect the wife in any area.
Should I stop there?!
If you have read the other categories, they all show why and where we need to put our wives first. In parenting, we need to have a partnership. When we get married, it will be our responsibility to lead and show our children an example of how a husband is supposed to love his wife and lead his family. Our wives need and should be secure in our relationships.
She is the Queen of our household. Mothers and Mothers of our children’s relationships are outside of our household. You and your wife are a united front. Decisions will be made together. Actions will be completed together. Love and respect will be exampled to everyone.
Your relationship with your wife is the most important relationship to maintain. Your child will be fine! When you chose your wife, you considered the relationship she will have with your child.
When you chose your wife, you considered the role you would play in managing the relationship between your wife and the mother of your child. When you chose your wife, you considered how you would manage the relationship between your wife and your mother.
Keep home happy by keeping your Queen happy!
(Image credit: bellanaija.com)
I was on facebook and caufht myself lost in your short stories and realized what i have been induring my life with what i called being in love or dating, really wome me up and realize I AM WORTH SO MUCH MORE AND ALWAYS GIVING with not getting in return.
Thank you so much just reading your lifes lessons I honestly can say I’M STILL LEARNING Thank you
Charlene
You are welcome. You are also worth it. Remember that before you settle. Hold us men accountable.
Hello Bashea, I really enjoyed your post. ?
It showed respect and understanding for all parties involved, while still honouring the wife. ??
I think, if more men would step up and follow this example, there would be less divorce and happier homes. ??
I agree. It is our responsibility to step up. Thank you for enjoying this post.
This was a wonderful post and I agree. There is also the factor of the acceptance of the children from previous relationship. I agree that the wife has to be secure with her relationship and the role she has.
Thank you. Yes, there is the factor that needs to be considered. It’s a lot of work, understanding, and compromise everyone involved must have.
Hello Sir,
I have been told that your wife is your life. She is your air you breathe. She is your nurse,when you are sick.She’s your friend though thick and thin. She should put no other before you.She shouldn’t be selfish. Everything I said about a wife goes hand in hand. A man should be treated also as a man and a husband. He should also be first and treated with respect,likewise. I love your post on relationships.
…informative read!
This is a no brainer, wife comes first. When you get married you all is suppose to become as one. Everybody has a place and a role. Unfortunately everybody doesn’t no that.
Great article. Marriage is like math; it is very complex, but if you know the order of operations you can solve many problems, and end up with the right results.
This article and many others found here made so much sense to my confusion, hurt and complex life. Thank you for clarifying emotions, roles and responsibilities…There is a God! God bless you and keep writing…we reading
This article is 100% true but your readers need to know that it’s converse is equally true! Meaning the same applies to the wife as relates to the husband. I’ve been married for 31 years, been counseling marriages for 20 and marriage only works when both husband and wife embrace this truth. Well Said Sir.
I saw this on Facebook and had to check it out. I like how you specify “when you choose your wife.” It’s true we are supposed to be chosen. Thank you and keep spreading the word
I just stumbled across your post by accident, but now that I’ve read it perhaps by divine design. I have recently made up my mind to walk away from a situation complicated by ex-wife, ex-girlfriend with children and motherly advice that was interfering with the relationship. This gentleman does not know boundaries or is not interested in boundaries, perhaps because he’s not ready for the commitment with me, so in taking care of myself I’m walking away. Your advice is on point and perhaps my next relationship will be with someone who sees it the way you’ve described it in your article. Thanks for your insight and willingness to share it.
You are welcome. I am glad my thoughts helped you.
I’d love to have a conversation with you
Let me start off by saying great article. Now to all of the ppl that believe your SPOUSE not just your wife is first, under God, then you are lost and their marriage will not last! See Hof is the foundation like the earth! Nothing can really sustain life without earth. Then the house, the structure, the outside walls, are man & wife. The content of the house are the kids! Remember your house is the most stand from ground up to inside! The bible says man is to leave and cleave. It doesn’t say take your parents then put kids 1st. It says leave and cleave. You must have your priorities straight and your spouse is 1st. That’s not saying that you don’t love and need to protect your parents or children but after your parents are gone and your children have started their own life what will you be left with? I’ll tell you you’ll be left looking at a stranger because you didn’t put them first. You also want to reach your children how to be the proper spouse. Kids are preceptive and they watch everything. So they need to see you uphold your spouse so they can have a healthy life. Trust me if your house is in order then your life will be in order. You must cherish the one person that will be your biggest cheerleader if you treat them with honor, dignity and #1!
#johnsonpillowtalk
Love this!
Thank you for this!
This was an awesome way to put things in perspective. I just wish more people could read this and grasp the understanding behind it! Excellent Job!!
Wow. If my father ever told me that his relationship with his wife was more important than me I would tell him, “Well I hope it’s a great one because our relationship is done.”
Fathers reading this better take this advice with caution. Not all children will just overlook disrespect like this. If you aren’t ready to make your children first priority then don’t have them. Or bow out and let the parent who has their best interest at heart take over.
Thank you for your reply. I agree that all information needs to be examined. I am sorry you read neglecting the child’s or the relationship with the child in this article. Putting a wife first doesn’t mean the child suffers, misses out, or is thrown to world to fend for herself. It’s just an order of leadership and guidance. A child will be #1 at many times but I just don’t think a child should be first in a marriage.
My fiance had to move his mom in the downstairs apartment. She lost her home due to non payment of her taxes and was embarrassed to inform her adult children. The money he paid to do a total “gut” job, which was $14,000 cash, now has caused him to file Bankruptcy. His mom has custody of her first born nephew. She doesn’t have income coming in from a job, but she does constantly order online…a lot!!!
I have opened disconnect notices, because my fiance supports both households now. I will not give him money, because I do believe he gives it to his mom. When I first moved in with my son, who is not 21, I was giving him $700 a month, which he says he was buying groceries for the household, but I believe differently. He will not share any of his bills with me. Conversations about his mom result in extremely harsh arguments!!!!! I just can’t imagine spending the rest of my life with him and having to support his mother.
I agree wholeheartedly with this!! I have been married 18 years and my spouse and I were separated for 4 months and he got someone pregnant and had a set of twins by my husband. She has tried multiple times to bring separation between my husband and me. We have been working at our marriage for almost two years since he came back home. Now I’m dealing with my husband not telling me that the two of them have long conversations on the phone after telling that he doesn’t do that. I’m trying not to have confrontations with him once he knows I’ve been looking in his phone but he’s not being honest with me when I see he’s been talking to her for more than an hour conversations. I don’t think that’s fair to me. Any suggestions?
My husband refuses to set boundaries with the ex or a set schedule. He said he would but when toxic moment die down, he then goes back on what him and I agreed on. I found a lawyer and filled out tye paperwork the most I could. He won’t sign it. My step daughter is 6 and my husband and I have a 8 month old together. How can I move forward in creating a set schedule and consistency and boundaries fit my family when he says he will not?