5 Of 10 People That Struggle And Should Avoid Dating! Part 2

Welcome to Part 2 of 5 of 10 people that struggle and should avoid dating. Just until they have spent time alone.

Ask yourself….. Am I one of these people that need to just wait to avoid a potentially bad situation filled with confusion, hurt, and pain?

MR./ MS. SINGLE BUT MARRIED

I am sure when some read this title they immediately got defensive or anticipated a bashing. This isn’t a bash, point the finger, or judgemental article. I’m not here to judge anyone nor their circumstances. I know this is a tough one for some. Every situation is different. This is for those who need to take time out to sort out their situations but don’t realize it or choose to ignore it.

They need to have a clean break emotionally instead of using an outside person to escape what’s happening inside their marriage.

If you have decided you are done in your marriage for whatever reason on Monday, you should not be on a dating site on Tuesday. What happens if you engage in a relationship with someone, they get wrapped up, and then you change your mind? What happens if you really want to move on but you still have to deal with your separation/divorce/custody and there is no plan to resolve anything? How do you think that is going to end? It would be helpful for you and your spouse to resolve issues first in order to have a clear mind.

If you choose to date quickly, at least, be honest with the person you are dating so they can decide if they want to proceed with you.

MR./MS. INCOMPLETE

If you noticed from the first article, I changed the title of this person. I heard of people expressing the idea that they need someone to complete them. They are under the impression that all of their problems will be solved by someone else’s presence. They don’t have an identity and think being in a relationship will define them. A lot of times, issues arise from these situations because they get into relationships and say “this isn’t what I had in mind”. They are finding it hard to give and receive love because they have not learned to love themselves for who and what they are.

How can someone love you for you and when you are still trying to figure it out who you are?

Someone can only love you for what you present to them. Of course, there is a maturation process with everything but if you are constantly changing your presentation, it makes it hard for someone else to keep up. Some never find out who they are and go through life trying to figure it out. It may be hard for you to date because no one is ever enough or meeting standards that were never created for yourself.

Don’t let a title define you. I know the desire is to lead with saying I am a wife or I am a husband. Those are roles and you will have many of them. You are “insert name here” who is also a wife or husband. Lead with who you are. This will help clear things up for you and those who are potential partners.

Your desire is to be loved completely but you don’t know what that means for you.

MR./MS. POST-TRAUMATIC RELATIONSHIP DISORDER (Me at one time)

This can be a good or bad thing. For me, it was a bad thing for a while. I left a relationship that didn’t go well and did not give myself time to heal. I held others accountable for what happened in my last relationship and it wasn’t fair. Any sign of what I experienced, sent me right back to a bad moment. I won’t go into details of the relationship because those aren’t important. The important thing is that I finally realized that I needed to take a break for restoration. I needed to sever emotional ties that were holding me hostage. I took time to be by myself.

Enough about me.

PTRD can cause you to make an innocent person feel guilty. A reminder of what broke you can resurface. Being scared to be vulnerable again. Holding up walls. Constantly comparing your present relationship with the last. Constantly talking about your past relationship to the person you are with presently.

I understand most people share stories or ask “what happened in your last relationship?” and I think that is a fair question. The problem occurs when it consumes you or your partner. There are times where the stories you tell now becomes the measuring stick. Both of you are reminding each other of what happened in your last relationship. The question of “is this what they were talking about in their last relationship?” is in the back of your head. Be careful not to share too much information or make the decision to not let your last relationship dictate your current one.

Some aspects of this are good. It prevents you from making the same mistakes you made in the last relationship. It helps you not choose the same type of person. It helps with personal reflection but these things need to be done while you are alone and rebuilding yourself.

MR/MS DEFINED BY SUCCESS

This dater has made it. They have put in the work needed to become successful. A lot of achievement and they are proud of it. There is nothing wrong with any of these things and I could go on about how resilient this dater has been to become a success.

Let me be clear, there is nothing wrong with success. They just struggle with finding a complement to who they are as opposed to their success.

An issue they may be facing or making it difficult to date is that they may feel that they are better than everyone. They feel that you are “never on their level”. This eliminates a lot of potential for them. I am not talking about the person who doesn’t work and has no plans to work at all trying to date the mogul. I am referencing the person who immediately look at another person’s financial status instead of character. This does not mean go out and rescue everyone; just give yourself more options.

Your money should not dictate your character. Your money should not define who you are. I don’t think your success should define who you are either.

It is the journey, your experience, and everything that you are and went through to become successful. Success is the result. You are “insert your name here” who has worked hard to become successful.

This doesn’t mean go out and just date anyone available; this is suggesting that your partner may be on their journey, not in love with money, or have a different idea of success.

I also want to be clear… Don’t date potential! Date who they are right now and ask, “if nothing about their life changed, could you see be with them long-term”.

MR./MS. I HAVE A DEADLINE

This dater has marked on their calendar when they will get married and will let you know the day they meet you. They will tell you either directly or indirectly whether you like it or not “we will be married in six months”. They will not deviate from their goal and sometimes ignore the natural progression of relationships.

My advice is to use natural relationship stages of development. Get to know the person. Build together. Learn how each other operates. Learn how each other handles adversity, money, conflict, success, family, etc.

I understand you don’t want to waste time but you also don’t want to rush into something and feel trapped.

There is no rush. If you are one of these daters, you may want to reconsider dating until you are clear, healed, and ready to give/receive what you deserve. There are certain things needed to prepare yourself for a successful partnership.

We all have things we need to work on because no one is perfect. Take time to reflect.