The topic of sex is discussed frequently and a serious question is always asked.  Can you have sex without emotion? Some say yes and some say no.  If yes, how long? Here are a couple of things to think about when you ask yourself that question.  This isn’t to convince you one way or another; it’s to have you think deeper if you haven’t already.

If you are having sex without emotion; how did you get there?  If you are having sex with emotion; what is the true emotion?  Are we designed to operate on how sex feels alone?

I plan to go way back but stay with me.

Original Thoughts of Sex and How The Transition Occurred 

Originally, we had thoughts of the penis and vagina being private.  They were sacred.  Not everyone could see, touch, feel, talk about or reference that area of our bodies because it needed to be protected.  We even called it our “privacy”.  Parents and elders said cover yourself up.  We talked about safe touch.  We told our kids to put some clothes on, you have company.  They were parts of our bodies that weren’t shown to just anyone.  Even as kids, we got to the point where we covered our privacy from our parents.

When we thought our private parts were sacred, we had the desire and idea that it was not to be shared until marriage.  Sex was for making babies… We held onto that for years.  Regardless of what was going on around us, we felt embarrassed and disgusted about talking or sharing our privacy.  We had in our minds that sex was for our husband or wife.

Then we fell in emotion/love/connection/friendship/lust/obligation/fear.  I say emotion because it was under the umbrella of newness.  A feeling that we haven’t really felt before.  Our stomach had butterflies.  We felt excitement from and for him or her.  Things started to happen for us. We think and say; “I am in love”.  We think “this is what love is”.  We feel connected to someone that we can laugh with.  Someone that takes us away from the stress of daily living.  We are ready to do the grown up.  We desire to make the connection deeper than our friendship that’s already different from all the other ones.  We lust intimacy!  We fear losing that intimacy and react to that fear.  We think and become afraid that if we don’t give this to our partners, someone else will.  Or there is a fear of not being enough to or for them.  Hey, everyone else is doing it and this is a normal stage of relationship development.  Sex becomes a task to please our partner more than the connection.

Then we break up!  That relationship doesn’t work!  Things changed once we had sex!

I feel used.  I feel abused.  I feel cheated. Why did I give myself to them?  I failed myself. I can’t believe I gave me to him/her.

Back to the “wait for marriage” I go!

But at the same time, we lose a little of that initial emotion we had.  The emotion that was tied to our  “sacred” and  most private part of ourselves.

Hearts begin to crack.

The next stage includes guilt, protection and discernment.  We move from waiting until marriage because we “failed”.  Then we move to my boyfriend/girlfriend will be the only one that experiences me sexually.

“A real relationship this time.  I want to make sure he/she is in it for the long haul.  I am not making the same mistake. I am not wasting myself”.

These are the things we tell ourselves.  Then life happens and it doesn’t work out again.  Now we have given and lost some more of our innocence and purpose.  This time, we have mastered the feeling of sex.  I mean, it feels good.  We want more BUT just don’t want to keep giving it away to just any and everybody.

Each time, we walk away from our original thought.

Why couldn’t we just get that right?

More hurt. More disconnect.  More thoughts of “failure”.  More blame. More shame.  More disconnect from our initial thought. More cracking of the heart.  Maybe this time, our heart was really broken because despite applying what we learned from our initial experience, it still didn’t work.

Then we start to judge ourselves and curtail our vetting process.  We let down our standards some and open up the door to “maybe, what we dreamed of wasn’t realistic, what we need or deserve”.  Besides what do I have to lose? Not as much as the first time!  We are no longer “pure”.

Sex becomes an expectation and a normal thing in a relationship.  Sex becomes a way to connect.  Sex becomes a prerequisite to marriage.  Sex becomes about what you have done before and what you are good at.  Sex becomes an expression of interest.  Sex becomes a tool to control.  Sex becomes safety because I am giving it to them, that stops them from getting it from someone else (so we think).  Sex becomes safety because it is the only time we are truly intimate.  Sex become triumph.  Sex becomes leverage.  Sex becomes “I love you”.

With each failed relationship that sex occurs, we separate ourselves from the initial emotion tied to it.  The initial thought of expression.  Sex becomes less personal and more okay to share with other people.  What was once a private part of our body may now be equivalent to a smile, equivalent to giving a handshake, the act is just like a hug in theory, and it is now just another body part.

It now satisfies a physical need, ONLY, so we think.  It satisfies the emptiness or void we felt when we first gave it away.  The new person is stepping in.  “I didn’t need him anyway, I’m still getting mine”.  “She was just practice”.  “He or she is probably having sex with someone else so I am too”.  “I had a stressful day so I need to get some sex to make me feel better”.  “I need to feel good, so let me call him/her over tonight”.

We are tired of the emotion of being hurt.  We subconsciously choose to avoid emotions that leave us vulnerable.  What emotion is that?  What are you protecting?  What are you refusing to acknowledge? You become emotionally numb.  Or so you think.

There is a process and effort that you have to put in to ignore the emotion that comes with sharing yourself.  You are allowing a man to enter your body.  You are taking your manhood and entering her.  Yes, there is a thrill with the feeling.  It feels great! What now? Do you hope it goes somewhere?  Do you hope they don’t try to make something out of “just sex?  Can you continue this without catching emotions and complicating a good thing?

Or are the questions: How long can you bury the emotion?  How long can you ignore the emotion?  When do you need to create a diversion to avoid the connection you fear?  Fear of connection and being disappointed. Who should you also have sex with to tell yourself, they aren’t the only one?  What rules should you put in place to psyche yourself out?

Rules

1. No Kissing
2. No Hugging
3. Scheduled sex
4. I don’t want to hear about your day
5. Just text, no call
6. No questions
7. No spending the night
8. No public dates
9. No conversations of substance
10. Don’t ask for my help
11. No venting
12. Shhhhh… just come over
13. No sex with anyone else
14. If you do have sex with someone else, you have to let me know.
15. If you do have sex with someone else, I don’t want to know.
16. If you aren’t having sex with someone else, I don’t want to know.
17. No catching feelings… Because the sex doesn’t cause feelings; 1-15 does???????????????

Those rules don’t control your feelings, they deepen the relationship and create commitment.

In order to choose your mate, you have to have a level of attraction. (Emotional decision)

You will not have sex with just anyone. (Emotional decision)

Implementing the safety rules. (Emotional decision)

Protecting yourself from getting hurt or involved emotionally. (Emotional decision)

The truth is that there are always emotions, you have to be honest about them.

(Image credit: atlantablackstar.com)