I received a few messages from colleagues and friends inquiring about two of my exes and how they seemed to become close friends. They were taking pics out and about as well as possibly partnering for business purposes. While those who sent it to me thought it was abnormal, this type of connection was not new to me, as I have experienced those exes “joining forces” in attempts to cause me harm (blog coming soon). I have also heard stories from others where bonds were created with a man they dated being the common denominator. When this happens, it isn’t always because of a negative experience, sometimes it’s similar personalities or having things in common that encourage relationship building between a man’s exes.
In my personal experience, I was once weirded out by several of my exes following my son’s mother on social media and their interactions on posts. The common thing was my son. Whenever she posted him, they would comment on how much he had grown. Just to paint a picture, these were women I dated when he was a toddler/adolescent. What was weird is that while I dated those women, my son’s mother gave me a hard time whenever I got into a relationship and these women saw what was happening and were impacted by the pain and trauma she caused. Some of the relationships were impacted so much that it was one of the reasons they didn’t last. To see them wanting to stay connected was something I first ignored but then I got curious. Although they are all blocked from my social media, they would find a way to have access to me through family. I got to the point where I asked my mother to delete a few of them because whenever she would post about me or my son, they would send me messages about the posts via email or phone. I wanted to deny all access as the relationships were over, there was no need/desire to remain connected and most didn’t end well (blogs for another day).
These most recent two exes led me to blog about it because there a many layers to the connection that I will do several blogs about. But this got me thinking and inquiring about others who have had similar experiences and after researching these types of relationships, I came up with the idea of Woundmates and why a person’s exes may become friends with each other. Although it was a small sample, I didn’t find any men who became friends after dating the same woman. Maybe it’s an ego thing but that’s another discussion.
Here are the Four reasons:
1. Trauma bonds: Trauma bonding is when a deep attachment develops from a cycle of physical and/or emotional abuse or trauma followed by positive reinforcement. Sometimes people experience pain from the same person whether it’s rejection, poor treatment, disappointment, or trauma, and feel the need to connect with someone who they perceive had the same experience in a relationship. There’s an idea that when you’re harmed by the same person, your wound needs company. The wound also needs answers, which may not have come from the person who caused it. They become pain pails. A close friend talked about how exploration played a key in their connection with an ex of an ex. They wanted to know why the ex cheated with the ex. What did they have that they may not have had?
2. Exploration: There are a lot of unanswered questions one may have after the ending of a relationship they hoped was going to be forever. An ex may investigate who you chose next to see what they have that’s different. They want to know or even compare themselves. Let’s say there was some infidelity, your exes may want to know what was so appealing about each other to cause a person to step out. The question “What do they have that I don’t?” comes into play. For me, I remember struggling in a new relationship because I wasn’t truly healed from the previous. I expressed that to the new person as I felt it wasn’t fair to not be fully present. They understood until they didn’t. They felt rejected and didn’t understand why I wasn’t willing to fight through my healing while holding their hand and why my ex had such a stronghold on me. They got it all wrong but because of that, they befriended my ex to find answers, I wasn’t willing to give them.
3. They don’t owe you anything: Your exes can be friends with whoever they want to be friends with. We don’t own the right to our exes’ relationships, regardless of how and why they met. They may have met randomly and found out they both dated you. They may have sought each other out to share stories. They may have been introduced at a work event, social gathering, or someone they both know. All loyalty is broken at the end of the relationship. Their relationship doesn’t have to be about you.
4. You have a type: The idea that we all have a type is widely known and discussed amongst those closest to us. I’m sure you have heard your friends or family say “You definitely have a type”. Whether it’s a look, a personality, and other characteristics that attract you to that type of partner. Maybe they remind you of a parent, maybe they are flashing, maybe they are quiet and seem safe, maybe struggle with confidence or are overly confident, maybe they have a strength you feel you’re weak at… the list can go on and on but ultimately there’s a connection in the type of partner you have chosen. In a different world where they weren’t your ex, they would be friends anyway.
Bonus: Soul ties but that’s a blog by itself.
These four aren’t an all-encompassing list, I’m sure there are other reasons but these are what I came up with.
