Thank you for sharing your experiences.  I know it is freeing.  I know you may have spoken about it and it wasn’t received.  I know you experienced things and you weren’t validated.  I know you went through some things and are still leery of them.  I know you have been constantly told that brawn is stronger than emotion.  I know what you are feeling isn’t real to others but daunting and ignored to most.  It is validated here.  What you are sharing is real and you don’t have to be stronger than that moment, time period or relationship.  Let’s discuss…

These are men’s experiences in and out of committed relationships.  These are experiences man has been through.  These are his strong moments that sometimes make him weak today. Let’s jump into their experiences but please make sure you are open.

“I promise I tried to give her everything she needed but I was never enough because I was never enough.  I never cheated, I never lied, I never strayed, I made her my priority.  She loved that about me during the relationship and even years after the relationship ended.  I remember stopping my life to make sure she had everything she needed and most of what she wanted.  She wasn’t driving, so I drove her around.  She didn’t have money so I worked two jobs to make sure she did.  She had no place to live, so I moved her in.  She didn’t know how to communicate so I accepted her yelling.  She called it touchy-feely but her touches were punches, pushes and holes in the wall.  She called me a horrible man/boyfriend when I asked what else could I do.  I woke up one morning and decided to get dressed for a meeting.  Normally, I don’t dress up but I felt a necessary change in the way I dressed because I was not presenting myself in a professional manner.  I wanted to dress for success.  She saw it and asked me, “who am I getting all fancy for?”  I explained to her my thoughts and she decided that was not enough.  She told me I was getting dressed to leave her because she was struggling.  She told me she could not be successful in a career and a relationship at the same time and I didn’t deserve to be successful.  She ripped my sweater.  She started to punch the wall.  She pushed me.  I sat down on the bed and felt powerless.  She called her mom and I thought that would help.  Her mom, yells and says “I wanted another guy for her anyway!” She started to attack me again.  I called the police, they came and told me she was crazy.  They had her on file for doing this before. I could not fight back, although it stung, it didn’t hurt because I’m built for this.”

“I remember waking up to punches to the back of my head.  She was yelling and screaming after coming home drunk.  She was out with one of her homegirls at 3 am.  I told her to stop and asked her to lay down.  When I mentioned she was drunk, she got even more mad and walked around the bed to get to my face.  She punched me again and I snapped.  I backslapped her and went to bed.  I cried because she broke me.  I swung back.  She used to say that is how her parents interacted.  She used to always tell me her mom was a fighter in their house and in the community.  I couldn’t tell anyone what was happening.  This wasn’t the first time she hit me.  I used to always say “use your words”.  The next day, she told me she didn’t even remember or knew what she was mad about.  I told her I didn’t either.  I had the scar but it only stung and didn’t hurt because I’m built for this.  The final straw was when I was driving and she was going through some personal things, she didn’t want to live anymore so she grabbed the steering wheel while I was driving on the highway.  We almost died.  A car hit us.  She admitted to the cops what happened.  The cops asked me why I am with this person and I said she needs me and I’m built for this.”

“We had a disagreement about money.  She was holding our child and smacked me.  I just drove home.  I didn’t realize what happened until three years later when a friend of mine was describing what happened to them.  During the time it happened, I dismissed the slap as confirmation that I should not be with her because I’m a man, I’m built for this. I realized from that experience, I never got close to my child’s mother while she was holding our child.  I also never talked about money with any other woman again.”

“I was in love; I mean this woman fit all of my desires.  I pour everything into her and the relationship.  She wanted a man that made good money and she loved nice things.  So I got a part-time gig working security.  This gave me extra cash to not just pay my bills but treat her.  One night while working she kept texting and calling about my schedule and plans after.  It didn’t feel right but I know leaving work would cause me to be anxious about not having money for the next gift I wanted to buy her.  I decided to drive to her home after work that night because she was “out with coworkers”.  I show up to her house and her ex was dropping her off and she was in sweatpants and her hair was disheveled.  I realized what was happening or what happened but I kept my cool because I didn’t want her to see my sweat.  I was too cool and “I was built for this”.  I drove home and started scrolling through my Rolodex for a rebound.  I never healed from that but writing this makes me want to address it.

“I was still hopeful at this point.  Although, I was in college, young but I was ready.  GREEN ready.  She was my idea in person.  Tall, athletic, pretty, smart, and driven.  We kissed and I was like, OH YEAH! This is the one.  We dated and started having sex.  We had great sex.  She used to tell me how good I was.  She used to call me and ask to come over to get some sex in between classes or when she was having a bad moment.  I felt that in addition to our conversation, emotional connection; we had a sexual chemistry.  One day, I heard rumors that she had a man back at home.  I ignored it.  She went home for a break and I didn’t hear from her for 10 days.  I called but no response.  I just enjoyed friends and family.  She came back and acted as if nothing happened.  I played along but the rumors got louder and I asked.  She said yeah I do have a man back at home but I’m here with you.  I was stunned and played it off like I was cool.  When she left, I was confused, crushed and concerned.  Is this how things go? I started to detach.  At least, I pretended to, I faked like I was good.  I stopped being available and eventually stopped being seen.  A week later, I pull up to my apartment building and I see her driving down.  She stops and looks disheveled.  I asked her if she was okay.  She said she was just studying with a guy in her class.  She looked just like how she used to look after sex.  I smiled and said have a good night.  She asked if she could call me later.  I said yes because no matter how bothered, hurt, disappointed, confused I was, I am built for this.”

There is a thought that a man is strong enough and built to endure almost anything.  Even beyond what is considered traumatic experiences by others.  Sometimes men experience these things and move forward in life without addressing what happened to them.  The adverse effects of not dealing with what has happened can be not just detrimental to them but also to the next woman they come in contact with on a relational level.  We must understand that we can’t just push through everything and we have an emotional side that needs to be healed, addressed and noticed by others and more importantly ourselves.  I watched men become cold emotionally in order to remain cool outwardly.  I noticed myself doing the same thing by moving through life and operating as a result of my hurt as opposed to the results of my healing.  As a man, you need to ask yourself “when I think of what happened, what does it mean to me and how do I describe it to others or myself?” Sometimes we describe these experiences as story-telling and detach the emotions we felt during the experience.  I am sure some will read this and say “well what did HE do to deserve this?” Is that the same question we ask our counterparts?  Let’s stay in their experiences for a second.

Men, we have to do more emotional healing and connecting in order to be better for ourselves, our partners, our children, and our partners.  I challenge us to get to a place where we can be built to address these experiences in therapy.

photo credit: pixababy.com

I began to think about how people are “driving” their relationships whether they are healthy or unhealthy. Below is an analogy that hopefully resonates with you. I hope that it will help you in your relationship(s).

Relationships becomes stagnant when he drives in “neutral” and she drives with the “emergency brake” on.

Breakdown

She has a past and is unsure. She is trying to read him instead of sharing her true feelings. The last couple of times she drove without her “emergency brake” on, she crashed and was left alone to deal with the damage. So, now she always drives with the brake because it protects her. With the brake, she is able to drive with caution, but she doesn’t realize that pushing and stopping is damaging. She is “protecting” her feelings, but doesn’t realize that when you drive with the brake on, you lack power. There is an idea that it allows you to control but that type of control is damaging to you, your partner, and the ability to develop and maintain a thriving relationship. Sometimes driving with the brake on manifests in the forms of insecurity, distrust, a cold heart, and disappointment.

He isn’t ready and is unsure. He is just coasting in the relationship and not pushing himself or the relationship to be secure. He is still playing the field and riding along in neutral allows him to stay in the same safe space with her without being forced to move forward to commitment. He is just going with the flow. It allows him to drift back when things are moving uphill. It allows him to coast downhill and let the woman think she is leading until he presses the brakes. When the relationship is going downhill, it appears that he is gaining momentum because she sees more effort demonstrated, but it’s really only because he feels like he is losing control of her and may lose her. Finally, staying in neutral is safe because he doesn’t take blame for whichever way the relationship goes. He is playing the fence.

So I ask you… How is your driving and will you trust your partner’s driving?

Take control of your position in the relationship or don’t drive at all. Take some time to work on yourself if you need to, but be sure. I am not saying the drive will be perfect, but if you know you aren’t ready, wait until you can fully commit and then go all in.

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I’m sure most of us have played the “Captain Save Em” super-man role before. We’ve had our “Lady Rescue Squad” policies and procedures in place and in a good rotation. But why do we do this? What is fulfilling to us about saving the damsel in distress? What is happening every time our efforts go in vain? Now, this isn’t about every man out there. I’m talking about the “fixers,” “savers” and “superheroes” that rarely accomplishes their goals.

The truth is you stay stuck in this “save her” cycle because you’re broken. Not because they broke you but because you’ve been fixing them and letting yourself slip. Your last ex’s one-night stand tried to be made into a couple of forever’s. Her 30-minute rendezvous with another damaged her and you spent 30 months working to repair her heart. I get it, you’re tired and exhausted. You broke to allow your cracks to be filled in with her scattered parts. Fellas, you are trained to fix but pay attention! More often than not, working on someone else keeps many of us from seeing what’s broken in us. We occupy our time with their needs and once they are healed (or that think they are), they move on to the next man and never give us credit for the work we’ve done. When it’s all said and done, you were never meant to be their heart’s maintenance man. You weren’t their light at the end of the tunnel. You weren’t their “at the end of the day.”

Now, although you are not the cause of their pain, you are allowed to take responsibility for their recovery—and yours.

It’s time for you to have to become a self-surgeon. Connect your lifelines to power sources that fill you up, not drain you. Are you looking for these women because you hope they will be forced to stay based on owing you? Are you looking for someone to trap with your help? Do you fear that because she is self-sufficient, there isn’t a space for you? Fill in your cracks with your own restoration. Ask yourself why do you feel the desire to be needed in an unhealthy way. And you need to make sure that you aren’t searching for those who need help.

Brother, burn your cape so that you can fly. Save yourself so that when you meet her, you will be able to fly with her instead of for her. You won’t look to fulfill what’s missing by needing to “fix.” You won’t be disappointed when she tells you she’s got it. She will have done the work she needed to do so that she could fly. Meet her in the air and not on the ground. Regardless of how well a woman is doing, she still needs you. Regardless of how well you are doing, the right woman can polish you and add the finishing touches to your intricate masterpiece.

Embrace your own self-healing, fixing, and recovery. Continue to be different than what society tells you to be. Society tells you to be insatiable; to love short and hate long. Society tells you to live impatiently because there is always something easier or better. Society tells you that the long haul is for the desperate. Society tells you to get over it and work around it when you should be working through it. Don’t let the ways of the crowd keep you from being your true self. Choose to retire your costume and show the world who you really are. You don’t need a cape to be a superman.

Photo credit: freedomblog.com

There seems to be a shift in how we operate today.  We are still willing to give our time to people of interest, and yet there is a detachment or separation of sorts.  The order of connecting with someone has changed.  What used to be first is now an afterthought.  What was once a condition to obtain physical penetration, is now an option that is seldom met.  I am talking about the heart.  It used to be the key to intimacy, but now it’s protected by giving our naked bodies.  How did we get here?  How did we get to the point where our naked bodies serve as shields to emotion and vulnerability?  Are you willing to undress your heart before you take your clothes off?

Suited and Dressed Up Hearts

Our hearts are stubborn due to what we have experienced in the past after we’ve made the choice to share them.  We walk around physically free, but our emotions are in bondage.  Subconsciously, we are saying: “You can have my body but you can’t have my heart.  You can enter me without penetrating my heart”.

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We have convinced ourselves that it’s not safe to take risks with our hearts or put our hearts in harm’s way.  Although the heart is the body’s strongest, we refuse to exercise it.  Some of us are literally conducting self-talks, saying: “Don’t catch feelings, you already know what it is” or, “just give him/her your body and the heart will come around later”.  This often results in increasing your “body count” and further disconnecting from your heart.  When we prepare to lay down, we throw our clothes on the floor, and stand there naked and detached because we have left our hearts in the car.

When did it become easier to give your body away than to share your heart? Or the better question is: why have we allowed this to be the norm?

Broken hearts have led to broken norms in society.  “Detachment-sex” is the norm until we don’t get what we want.  When the relationship doesn’t go our way, we think: “but, how could you leave me? I gave you my body!” The real question should be: “What are you doing with my heart?”  Even those who are having sex are not taking the time to explore the wants and needs of their partners. Instead, they are making assumptions about what pleases their partners based on previous sexual encounters.  If we took the time to really get to know a potential partner, the sex would be emotionally amazing as opposed to emotionally draining.  Because of impatience, learning the mind, body, and soul has been replaced with selfish goals that are only aimed at finishing.  The connection with our partners should be made before we lay down and should continue long after we get up.

There is a “community of wait”.  This is the community that is practicing abstinence or celibacy.  I found out that, for myself and many others in this community, we were going about this process of connecting all wrong.  We’d made it about us or the person we were choosing not to sleep with.  But rather, the focus of  The Wait, should be to create a closer connection to God and prepare for the person God has for you.  Some of us still protected our hearts even when we didn’t give our bodies.  We used waiting as a badge of honor, but we were also waiting to connect with someone emotionally and spiritually.  Withholding sex is great but are we willing to unfold our hearts to connect.  Ask yourself what is the purpose of The Wait. In the waiting, are you repairing yourself or are you abstaining from sex to protect yourself from another failed relationship?  Sex is off the table, but is your heart on the table?  There is pressure to give in to fit in and find love, but stay strong.  Someone will respect your desire to be heart/spirit-led.hotstar live

BE WILLING TO UNDRESS YOUR HEART

Be willing to be touched – not just physically, but within your mind, heart, and spirit.  Be willing to let someone discover the parts of you that you keep locked away.  It’s easy to take your clothes off, but difficult to undress your heart.  I know it’s challenging, but remember your heart is strong and it needs exercise.  Allow it to be touched.  Wait on physical penetration until they are willing to connect/protect/cover your heart as if it were theirs.  Be available to share your heart.  This doesn’t mean you give your heart to any and everyone you meet, but take the time to learn them.  Really invest in love!  Remember that feelings aren’t taught, but the reactions to feelings are.  Will you act in defense or be proactive with your heart?

(Image credit:  James Smith follow him at SLIMSMIZZLE on Instagram)

The lines of relationship and marriage have become so close that they are often blurred. Women nor men know the real differences between the two anymore. Men are cloaking short-term intentions with long-term techniques and women are taking advantage of being courted with no intention of staying. Intentional assumptions have planned relationships before the first date has even occurred and forced compatibility has become the norm. People are “falling in love” without knowing the person they claim to feel so much affection for. So, in wake of romantic and relational realities, I pose this question:  How many divorces have you had?

Psychological and emotional marriage occurs when you are mentally connected with someone you are dating or in a relationship with and operating in the mindset of being their husband or wife. The vicious cycle of needing to belong to someone in a more permanent fashion begins again. You find yourself planning your forever based on marriage potential and not based on what’s in front of you. Sometimes the initial warning signs are blatantly present but you ignore them hoping that things can and will change. And you tell yourself that life won’t be the same if you don’t have that person occupying your space of void.

The demise of your relationship prompts a series of analyzing thoughts that overtake your emotions, leaving you wondering what you did wrong, what you could have done to make them stay, and if you are truly worthy of someone loving you the way you love them. You focus your emotions and attention on the flaws of your life rather than thinking on what you have the ability to improve.

When it comes to romantic relationships, the vetting process begins with you. You have to be ready and willing to learn and enjoy yourself before you add someone else in the picture. Psyching yourself out to believe that you must play marriage in order to get married is not healthy.

Having sex then breaking up means you have shared yourself with yet another person. Your body count has gone up and another sexual soul tie has been created. The honeymoon will be a formality because you two have already had many honeymoons as you passed the days away locked up in your unmarried love-nests. And of course, you both wanted to wait to have sex but fear kept you feeling as if you needed to check out the full package before you agreed to keep it. There you are comparing your new love to your old and wondering how to move on but hold on at the same time. The truth is that you should be willing to learn your new partner when you get married and be open to new experiences. Teaching your lover how to show love to you physically shows a deeper level of intimacy.

Some would agree that getting married costs less than getting divorced. A lack of teamwork after a split brings more chaos, especially when a child is involved. The child’s living situation gets stretched and they have to almost choose a side. The child has to be the “middle man” bridging the gap of the father and mother falling out of each other’s lives for good. Just think, the child witnesses it all and probably feels the strongest about the situation, yet they have no say so. They just have to go where the wind (or the Judge) blows.voot for ios

Divorces occur when two people live together, have sex, have children, share bills, then, for whatever reason, they breakup. Assets must be separated and then there’s the daunting task of deciding who gets what—who stays in the house, who keeps the dog, who gets the kids and when do they get them, and so on. Everything the two of you built together gets torn down.

And the love you thought you shared, disappears.

Think about these things before you make marriage investments in a boyfriend or girlfriend. Be patient and protect your sanity at all costs. Stay in the moment of the relationship and allow it to grow before you enter into an illegitimate marriage. Be willing to leave something to look forward to and some things to work towards. If your partner isn’t willing to wait or work for a marriage, then they aren’t the one for you. There is a way of showing yourself without giving all of yourself. From the words of Ms. Janet Jackson, “Let’s wait awhile before it’s too late.” Don’t add another divorce to your collection. Wait for the real thing.

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As a man, you should first ask yourself “what does ‘nurture’ mean?”  As a woman, try to intellectually emotionalize the term “nurture” in relation to a man. Nurturing does not mean you are dealing with an overly sensitive man who needs to be coddled.  This is a description of the way “nurturing” fits a man’s needs long term.

Let’s be honest – sometimes, he doesn’t know what he needs.  Sometimes he doesn’t value what a woman’s presence does for his life.  Sometimes she doesn’t know what he needs.  Sometimes she doesn’t know her value and assumes he is “just another male with a generalized list of desires from a woman.”

Keep these important points in mind when nurturing a man.  A man needs to understand himself and what he wants in and out of life.  He can’t expect a woman to match or complement him when he is all over the place.  Until he is sure of these things, she will never be the right one for him and he will never know what’s right for him.  He will qualify a woman temporarily and then subconsciously put her on another trial run.  She will win small battles but will always be behind in the war.  “War” may be a bad term but it is a war – a battle that he is having within himself and she is trying to fight alongside him without knowing who she is fighting.  This can lead to her becoming an adversary as opposed to the ally she is trying to be.

How can a man attract a like-minded woman when his thoughts, emotions, purpose, and focus are scattered?  We have to get clear about those things and organize them in our heads and hearts to allow them to influence our attraction to partnerships.

This isn’t about being able to physically nurture a man with sex.  Referring back to my previous comment, I want to emphasize a point – a woman that doesn’t know you, can make you feel good, man.  But a woman that knows you can make you a great man.  She can please you in ways that nobody can.  This is nurturing.  I guess I could give the “definition” right here:  care for and encourage the growth and development of…

This segues into the purpose of this article, which is to provide men with a guide and women a reference on what it looks like for a man to be nurtured.  This isn’t a solo opinionated position.  I asked a few of my single, dating, courting, in a relationship, married, and divorced male friends for their descriptions of what it felt/feels like to be nurtured by a woman.  I chose them because I trust them.  I chose them because they have a clear direction.  I chose them because their experiences have shaped their presence/present.

What we discovered was this: nurturing a man is standing beside him in his purpose.  It is assuring him that he is on the right path and making sure he is on the right path once it’s chosen.  That may sound confusing, but the key is that it’s up to the man to be direct. MEN, WE HAVE TO BE DIRECT.  Nurturing is being that second leg to balance his gift, goal, and finish line.  If his passion if clear, nurturing is easy.  Nurturing looks like reassurance.  Nurturing is the sunlight on your man’s darkest day.  Nurturing is hearing “you have me” when the world takes everything from him.  Nurturing is sometimes quiet, but says “I got you” by you just being there.  The definition of “being there” is specific to that man you are being specific to. Here are some examples:

Terrence Foster says, “Nurturing is knowing the right things to say regardless of the moment. When upset, her not being silent because she is at a loss for words from not knowing what to say.  Sometimes doing things without having to tell her, not having to think, basically knowing him and what his needs are at the time.  At times, knowing him better than he does.”

Taurus Hinton says, “Nurturing is constantly encouraging growth, never allowing me to settle, or become complacent… reminds me that she follows my lead.  Above all, I know that she has my back.”

Daryl from Team Towe (Husband and Wife): “She is two steps ahead of me with my needs and 9 times out of 10 has already completed them. If not she is in motion to complete them.  For example, in business, if I’m overloaded with work or mentally burnt out and she notices it.  She will take on some of the tasks… pull out a blanket– lay me on the couch and encourage me to relax my body, mind, and soul to recharge.  She reassures me.  She is always thoughtful towards my family, going the extra mile with communicating with them.  Whether it is holidays, birthdays, random calls etc., she knows how important family is to me.”

Jeff Whitehorn says, “I like simplicity, she fixes my plate when she doesn’t have to because she wants me to know that she appreciates/acknowledges that I take care of her, too.  She goes out of her way to leave messages on the fridge that makes a potentially rough day start off positive.  I know my beginning.”

Tony Jefferson, Jr. says, “Speak life into him.  Calm his heart and mind when the world is coming for him.  Challenge him to be the best version of himself.  Be the best version of herself because whatever they are doing, they are representing each other. Knows his love language.”

Nurturing is specific.  Nurturing cultivates.  Nurturing makes sure.  Nurturing is what she is when you let her be.  Nurturing is who you are when you are specific.

Be present.

Wrap each other in love.

Be peace to each other.

Create, obtain, and sustain love.

Have the direction you are going and she will be the light to guide you.

(Image credit: rebloggy.com)

Please accept this sincere apology and genuine promise to date you with purpose. We, men, realize we have been going about this courting all wrong; if the concept of courting can even be used in some instances.  We have not been what a man who seeks a wife needs to be.  We have not been what the example of a man needs to be for a woman.  We have not been what a husband should and needs to be to his wife.  We have made mistakes and we want to take the time to make things right.

We are starting with ourselves by taking ownership of what we have and have not been doing as the leader.

After taking ownership, we are apologizing.  After apologizing, we are planning.

We plan to change our ways.  We will implement our plan to be what we were designed to be and that is the man of your life.

Even if you don’t choose us, we want you to see how we have changed by showing you what you deserve.  We will get back to traditional and purposeful courtship and relationships.

It starts with us, men.

Ownership

We have failed you.

Whether we have excuses or reasons for our behavior, we are taking ownership.  We are not blaming Fathers, Mothers, society, friends, and/or our pain for what we used to be.  We are changing.

When our Fathers were a good example, we allowed the pain of our past to dictate how we treated you.  We allowed society to be our real teacher while Fathers took on the role as a substitute.  We ignored our Father’s teachings.  We never grew as men and maintained our boyish/childish ways.

When our Fathers weren’t there, we weren’t taught how to be a man, lover or genuine friend.   Other examples when they were there they represented the player lifestyle. Fathers disappeared at some point in life and there were no male figures to whisper or yell to us “that isn’t how you hold a woman’s heart in your hands”.  Fathers weren’t there to show by example, how to love the woman of your life.  Fathers showed us how to hurt mommy but remain smooth enough to have their cake and eat it too.

We, men, admit that.

Why Moms were there, they were not trusted simply because they were mothers.  Feeling as though they had to guide us with or give us a directive on relationships just because it was part of their roles as a parent.  Just like they had to tell us to take the trash out but ultimately when we move out, we would decide if we were going to take it out or not.  We didn’t genuinely accept their guidance.  We had the wrong idea of “what does mom know about how to be a man to a woman?”

We wanted to maintain our boyish/childish ways.  We wanted to have fun while not paying attention to the pain we were causing.  We held on to “We will change once we get engaged or married”.  We ignored the fact that Mommy was too embarrassed to tell you to leave her son before you got hurt.

On the other hand, some Mothers never showed how she expected to be loved.  Mothers never sat down to say, “this is how you treat women”.  Mothers never said, treat her like you would want a man to treat us.  Mothers never said treat women like you would want the women in your family to be treated.  Mothers never walked away from being treated poorly by the men in her life.

We ignored the tears behind their smile.

We, men, admit that.

Society has constantly shown men that it’s cool to have several women at one time.  That it’s a sport to juggle multiple relationships.  How to be a player was taught daily and men sat in the front of the class.

We applied those teachings to our lives and excelled or at least tried. Society has taught men that being with multiple women was cool, being chivalrous is corny, and being loyal is outdated.  Men were told to be fruitful and multiply.   We were told that a man was not made to be monogamous.

Men listened to society and put value in what was thought as opposed to how you thought of us.  Men let society dictate what beautiful was and held you to those standards.

We, men, admit that.

Man’s pain.  Pain that you weren’t responsible for but we held you accountable.  Pain from our pasts, we have adopted pain, and even have imaginary pain.  I say imaginary because we avoid it by inflicting it to you first.  I say adopted because we act as if the pain our friends, brothers, and other male counterparts have experienced were ours as well.

These pain points allowed men to be prepared for anyone planning on hurting us first.  I can admit, we sometimes expected you to hurt us.  We expected you to pay us back for what we did to previous women, and we expected to be that guy who got played.  We got you before you got us! Even though you never intended or planned to hurt us.

We took advantage of you being “cool” and treating you like one of the fellas emotionally.  We put your feelings and emotions in the friend zone but put your body in the sex zone.

Men ignored the impact it put on the man that comes behind us.  The next man suffered because of what the last man did to you.

We are taking responsibility and apologizing.

Apology

We have a lot of apologizing to do and we are here to admit that in hopes that we can move forward.

We apologize for not being who we were designed to be and that is a Man of integrity, honesty, and loyalty.

We apologize for behaving as if we didn’t ask you to be our lady.

We apologize for saying “I do” and continuing to do the things we did before we got married.

We apologize for not allowing your heart to leave or recover when we knew we didn’t really want, deserve, or cherish you.

We apologize for holding you hostage with our words and selfish intentions.

We apologize for using sex to tie your soul to what we wanted.

We apologize for apologizing with sex.

We apologize for making the notches on our belts a competition and celebration with our boys.

We apologize for creating the thought that you dressing sexually is okay and what we desire.

We apologize for allowing the wearing of less clothes to be the only way to gain our attention.

We apologize for getting good at sex and using it to define us.

We apologize for not taking the effort to know you instead of putting our efforts in knowing how to please you sexually.

We apologize for hiding our personality behind our wallets.

We apologize for attempting to buy you.

We apologize for knowing we’re not ready but going forward anyway.

We apologize for taking advantage of women to men ratio, where you outnumber us.

We apologize for using your insecurities to our advantage.

We apologize for influencing your pain and attitude in a negative way.

We apologize for saying we “love you” when not being sure if we “like you”.

We apologize for using your desire to be married as a desire to be carried.

We apologize for never emotionally maturing.

We apologize for leading you, only to let you down.

We apologize for trying to figure things out and leaving you feeling like we were using you as a test dummy for the one we really wanted.

We apologize for using your mind, body and soul instead of catering to it.

We apologize for the tears we caused to run down your face.

We apologize for abandoning you.

Plan

Now that we, men, have that off of our chest.

We will be different.

We will go over our plan daily and change our approach.

We will not apply our plan until we know we are ready.

We will be real, clear, consistent and present.

We will consider all of you when we make decisions to pursue you.

We will consider the expectation we have of how we expect our daughters to be treated.

We will consider how we want our sons to treat their future female friends, girlfriends, and wives.

We will be what our Father taught us or what we expected from him as the leader.

We will lead with care.

We will be what our Mother deserves or deserved.  We will be what she taught us to be as a man to a woman.

We will date you with the purpose of forever.

We will earn your trust and keep it.

We will treasure your heart.

We will stay connected to your emotions.

Instead of telling you our plan, we will show you.

(Image credit: KatherineCostellophotography.com)

Being stuck in a place where unforgiveness hinders, blinds and blocks.  Ownership of love was given to the wrong places.  Giving ownership to a person that abused it.  Giving ownership to a failure they may have experienced in their last relationship.  Giving ownership away and not keeping it for themselves.  The description of love was negative.  The description of love was unattainable.  The description of love was attached to others.  When love said hello, the grudge didn’t allow a favorable response.

A conversation with love is needed.  Being honest with love is needed.  Love needs to be forgiven.

Here are some words to speak to love:

Forgiving Love Anthem

Love, I forgive you!

I forgive you for hurting me.

I forgive you for letting others use you against me.

I forgive you for being so giving to others and taking so much from me.

I no longer want to create love caveats.

Love, I forgive you!

I forgive you for allowing others to say I do when all I heard was I don’t.

I forgive you for teaching me the hard way.

I forgive you for leaving me alone many nights.

I forgive you escaping me when I thought I had you.

I forgive you instilling fear into me.

I forgive you for attaching yourself to the wrong people which had no business holding onto you.

I forgive you for blinding me.

I forgive you for letting go.

I am forgiving you because I no longer want to hold a grudge.

Can we work together this time?

Can we decide to be careful?

I want you back.

Let’s get personal again.

Let’s understand each other.  What we both like.  What works for us.  What doesn’t work for us.

Let’s protect each other.

Can we agree to disagree sometimes and still stay together?

I forgive you because I want what’s best for you.  I want what’s best for me.  I want what’s best for us.

I forgive you because I don’t want to block you or be so blind with dislike that when you say hello, I don’t say hi back.

I forgive you because I want to give you and receive you in all of your forms.

Agape, Eros, Philia, and Storge are welcome here!

I promise to never give you away; I will only share you.

Love, I forgive you!

Hopefully, these words will help all of us re-establish relationships with love and our loved ones.  Begin new chapters with a fresh outlook.  Understanding what their love looks like in giving and receiving.  Live to love again.

(Image credit: blackloveadvice.com)

If you are having sex without emotion; how did you get there?  If you are having sex with emotion; what is the true emotion?  Are we designed to operate on how sex feels alone?

I plan to go way back but stay with me.

Original Thoughts of Sex and How The Transition Occurred 

Originally, we had thoughts of the penis and vagina being private.  They were sacred.  Not everyone could see, touch, feel, talk about or reference that area of our bodies because it needed to be protected.  We even called it our “privacy”.  Parents and elders said cover yourself up.  We talked about safe touch.  We told our kids to put some clothes on, you have company.  They were parts of our bodies that weren’t shown to just anyone.  Even as kids, we got to the point where we covered our privacy from our parents.

When we thought our private parts were sacred, we had the desire and idea that it was not to be shared until marriage.  Sex was for making babies… We held onto that for years.  Regardless of what was going on around us, we felt embarrassed and disgusted about talking or sharing our privacy.  We had in our minds that sex was for our husband or wife.

Then we fell in emotion/love/connection/friendship/lust/obligation/fear.  I say emotion because it was under the umbrella of newness.  A feeling that we haven’t really felt before.  Our stomach had butterflies.  We felt excitement from and for him or her.  Things started to happen for us. We think and say; “I am in love”.  We think “this is what love is”.  We feel connected to someone that we can laugh with.  Someone that takes us away from the stress of daily living.  We are ready to do the grown up.  We desire to make the connection deeper than our friendship that’s already different from all the other ones.  We lust intimacy!  We fear losing that intimacy and react to that fear.  We think and become afraid that if we don’t give this to our partners, someone else will.  Or there is a fear of not being enough to or for them.  Hey, everyone else is doing it and this is a normal stage of relationship development.  Sex becomes a task to please our partner more than the connection.

Then we break up!  That relationship doesn’t work!  Things changed once we had sex!

I feel used.  I feel abused.  I feel cheated. Why did I give myself to them?  I failed myself. I can’t believe I gave me to him/her.

Back to the “wait for marriage” I go!

But at the same time, we lose a little of that initial emotion we had.  The emotion that was tied to our  “sacred” and  most private part of ourselves.

Hearts begin to crack.

The next stage includes guilt, protection and discernment.  We move from waiting until marriage because we “failed”.  Then we move to my boyfriend/girlfriend will be the only one that experiences me sexually.

“A real relationship this time.  I want to make sure he/she is in it for the long haul.  I am not making the same mistake. I am not wasting myself”.

These are the things we tell ourselves.  Then life happens and it doesn’t work out again.  Now we have given and lost some more of our innocence and purpose.  This time, we have mastered the feeling of sex.  I mean, it feels good.  We want more BUT just don’t want to keep giving it away to just any and everybody.

Each time, we walk away from our original thought.

Why couldn’t we just get that right?

More hurt. More disconnect.  More thoughts of “failure”.  More blame. More shame.  More disconnect from our initial thought. More cracking of the heart.  Maybe this time, our heart was really broken because despite applying what we learned from our initial experience, it still didn’t work.

Then we start to judge ourselves and curtail our vetting process.  We let down our standards some and open up the door to “maybe, what we dreamed of wasn’t realistic, what we need or deserve”.  Besides what do I have to lose? Not as much as the first time!  We are no longer “pure”.

Sex becomes an expectation and a normal thing in a relationship.  Sex becomes a way to connect.  Sex becomes a prerequisite to marriage.  Sex becomes about what you have done before and what you are good at.  Sex becomes an expression of interest.  Sex becomes a tool to control.  Sex becomes safety because I am giving it to them, that stops them from getting it from someone else (so we think).  Sex becomes safety because it is the only time we are truly intimate.  Sex become triumph.  Sex becomes leverage.  Sex becomes “I love you”.

With each failed relationship that sex occurs, we separate ourselves from the initial emotion tied to it.  The initial thought of expression.  Sex becomes less personal and more okay to share with other people.  What was once a private part of our body may now be equivalent to a smile, equivalent to giving a handshake, the act is just like a hug in theory, and it is now just another body part.

It now satisfies a physical need, ONLY, so we think.  It satisfies the emptiness or void we felt when we first gave it away.  The new person is stepping in.  “I didn’t need him anyway, I’m still getting mine”.  “She was just practice”.  “He or she is probably having sex with someone else so I am too”.  “I had a stressful day so I need to get some sex to make me feel better”.  “I need to feel good, so let me call him/her over tonight”.

We are tired of the emotion of being hurt.  We subconsciously choose to avoid emotions that leave us vulnerable.  What emotion is that?  What are you protecting?  What are you refusing to acknowledge? You become emotionally numb.  Or so you think.

There is a process and effort that you have to put in to ignore the emotion that comes with sharing yourself.  You are allowing a man to enter your body.  You are taking your manhood and entering her.  Yes, there is a thrill with the feeling.  It feels great! What now? Do you hope it goes somewhere?  Do you hope they don’t try to make something out of “just sex?  Can you continue this without catching emotions and complicating a good thing?

Or are the questions: How long can you bury the emotion?  How long can you ignore the emotion?  When do you need to create a diversion to avoid the connection you fear?  Fear of connection and being disappointed. Who should you also have sex with to tell yourself, they aren’t the only one?  What rules should you put in place to psyche yourself out?

Rules

1. No Kissing
2. No Hugging
3. Scheduled sex
4. I don’t want to hear about your day
5. Just text, no call
6. No questions
7. No spending the night
8. No public dates
9. No conversations of substance
10. Don’t ask for my help
11. No venting
12. Shhhhh… just come over
13. No sex with anyone else
14. If you do have sex with someone else, you have to let me know.
15. If you do have sex with someone else, I don’t want to know.
16. If you aren’t having sex with someone else, I don’t want to know.
17. No catching feelings… Because the sex doesn’t cause feelings; 1-15 does???????????????

Those rules don’t control your feelings, they deepen the relationship and create commitment.

In order to choose your mate, you have to have a level of attraction. (Emotional decision)

You will not have sex with just anyone. (Emotional decision)

Implementing the safety rules. (Emotional decision)

Protecting yourself from getting hurt or involved emotionally. (Emotional decision)

The truth is that there are always emotions, you have to be honest about them.

(Image credit: atlantablackstar.com)

We women can be a lot sometimes but that’s only because we love hard. We love you so much that we just want the same in return. We know you show it by the ‘good morning text’, surprising us at work or just simply giving us a kiss on the cheek. We love that even in front of your friends you will place your arm around our shoulder.

We love the words you whisper in our ears. We love the little moments we share but sometimes those same words and actions can be the reason why we argue. I mean if we are together, a kissy face emoji under another girl’s picture might cause an argument. Maybe even a meme on your Instagram saying, “In need of a back massage,” might cause a reaction.

Especially if we see Angela, Shanice or Pamela, all writing under your post “I got you on that massage xoxo lol smiley face.” Out trust for you is something that shouldn’t be questioned because of social media but if the shoe fits…

We all have our moments of flirting with the opposite sex or being touchy but there has to be a line drawn.

We know we can’t compare our past relationships to our future with you. Everyone is different but the same sweet nothings you are whispering now, we got from him too. We aren’t saying you are going to cheat like he did or they did. But something is always in the back of our head telling us to remain cautious. Plus our friends, our favorite television shows and the lyrics from Beyoncé’s “Ring the Alarm.”

You tell us, “You’re the only one for me.” You tell us your ex doesn’t mean anything to you. You tell us over and over that everyone knows that we are together. So we try not to let your relationship status or even posting a picture of us pose as a concern. We might do our own investigation but that doesn’t mean we are crazy. It just means we don’t want to get hurt.

We respect you and we know you respect us. It’s just that we don’t want to be hurt by you and you don’t want to be hurt by us. Sometimes our insecurities can get the best of us but it’s something we all have to work on. You just have to know that we are in this for the long run but you can’t hit us with any B.S. No one is perfect but we know eventually this hump we are facing over social media will only get better with time.

Sincerely,

Women

Dear Women,

We men have learned to love you through your “a lot”.  We try to love you the way we love.  We are sometimes confused or don’t realize that our ‘good morning” text, surprising you at work or kisses on your cheek/forehead were not enough.  We thought putting away our “being cool” act and putting away egos in public showed you that you mattered.  That’s us matching your loving hard, making you feel secure and letting you know that we aren’t ashamed of what we have.  We have you!

When we whisper to you, it’s a turn-on for us too.  We want you to be hypnotized by our romantic acts.  We also know that if we do things for you, it benefits us later.  We pay attention to your responses.  We may not say it, but WE PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR RESPONSES.  Good or bad, we notice.  We didn’t think you would take online interactions the way you do.  Especially when we see you interact online.  When you post pictures and guys are all over them liking and flirting with you, we notice.  We know their responses are out of your control, but when you hit like to their likes or when they put the heart emojis and you hit like, we notice.  Even when you comment back to their flirting with an innocent thank you, we are reminded that’s “how we started”.

We apologize for the “In need of massage” posts because we should have tagged you or sent it directly to you.   It was petty, suggestive and immature.  It was in response to you sharing the “real men” posts.  You share a post that may dog a man out the morning after we had an argument.  Your girls tag you in a status or meme and you virtually high five them.  When you post a subliminal and your ex comments, “Everything cool?”, we feel like we are compared to the guy you keep the connection with.  How do we get a fair chance when the constant reminder of how you started and ended your last relationship is still within arm’s reach?  Just because you heard it from him, doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be valued when you hear it again. We know we are up and down too and there are some women we need to “block”.  We have some insecurity as well.

When we don’t want to change our relationship status or blast everything about us, it’s not because you are a secret.  We just want us to be careful and private.  Not all of us are doing it because we want to keep ourselves available for other women.  Not all of us are worried about losing stock online.  Some of us don’t want others all in our business trying to interfere.  We have seen some women post pictures and brag about how much they are in love.  Then we look up and all of that has changed and we are being dogged out because everyone asks, “WHAT HAPPENED?”. When that happens, immediately everyone is looking at us.  Sometimes when we post “in a relationship”, other women go to our inbox and ask, “Are you sure?” or say “I hope you’re happy.”.  We just want our relationship to stay in-house until our foundation is strong enough.  Can you do me a favor? Please don’t inbox another woman.  Please don’t have your friends spying or asking a friend of a friend to “test” us to see what we say.  Please don’t send friend requests to women that you suspect want more from me.

We promise to make it clear that we aren’t available, but please don’t expect us to post a picture in response to every women that flirts.  We can do better and we will work on what makes us both feel comfortable.  You don’t have to investigate because you will always find something; whether we play a part in it is different.   We investigate too.  How do we fix it?  We don’t want social media to dictate or ruin what we have offline.  Let’s learn to “like” and love each other in real life.

Sincerely,

Men

(Image credit: shutterstock.com)