I pray that we make it.

I realize the eyes watching us are 20/20.

It took me a while to realize that I could not do what is deemed “normal dating”.

I am not given a pass for not being 100% on point.

The idea of figuring out who is the right one is N/A to me.

Why not?

Because I created a standard of what I am looking for and those on the outside have held me accountable to perfected words.

The expert words have to manifest into a perfected search and approach to courting.

Anything less than that is considered “fraudulent”.

Mistakes are not allowed and I am not looking to excuse them nor my bad decisions.

Initial interest in more than one is a No.

Dating one on Tuesday and another on Saturday is considered disingenuous.

Dating isn’t allowed; only courting.

The expectation to be exactly what my ultimate goal is, is expedited to hello.

“I don’t get to play the field”.

I am not allowed to “transition” as others do.

I accept that.

Outsiders see a failed relationship, courtship, dating experience and pursuit as damage to my brand but to me it is a scratch to my heart, a black eye to my ego, it hurts my hope and increases doubt.

I am not giving up.

What started as letters to my future became “microwaved”.

Character questioned fairly and unfairly.

The comparison is different.

It does not matter that I am looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with because each pursuit MUST be the one I am going to spend the rest of my life with.

Everything done in honesty became a lie when all failed.

When love was performed as an “expert” and things didn’t work, I was the blame.

With each broken heart, a piece of mine was torn and left with them.

Enough about the past, we have chosen each other and the pressure continues.

But your pressure is different because I am considered the “expert” and thoughts of “It must be her if it doesn’t work” may surface.

You will be judged as needing to meet the “expert” at perfection.

It’s not fair for you to work at it privately while the world watches us publicly.

We have to have a game face while not being able to play games.

We know relationships are a lot of work but the public expects us to work.

Everyone is an expert at opinionated judging of flaws they have yet to escape.

It’s not fair for you or me but it’s what I created.

I accept that.

Even as I express mistakes and flaws throughout my messages, they are ignored because the beauty of the “expert” must not be flawed.

The advice is valid when the world is validated by perfection.

Loving the future will hurt the past.

Apologies aren’t sufficient but I am going to go so hard on making us work.

I pray that we make it.

I am not claiming perfection or expertise.

I am however a lover of relationships that wants to help and put years of school and testing to understand how the human heart, mind, and love operates.

I am claiming that we will work together.  We will pray together.  We will stay together.

Let’s pray that we make it and expertly love each other.

Will you accept the challenge of being my “expert”?

Which box will you check? Yes or No?

(Image Credit: MrRefined.com)