Thank you for taking the time to read this. Thank you for validating and acknowledging the experiences of these moments. You are appreciated for inhaling what is shared and exhaling connection to the realness of the experiences of these men in different parts of their lives. Some of these were submitted in tears; not to say the tears were always wet but just the submission is the release they needed that was never allowed or taught.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I know it is freeing. I know you may have spoken about it and it wasn’t received. I know you experienced things and you weren’t validated. I know you went through some things and are still leery of them. I know you have been constantly told that brawn is stronger than emotion. I know what you are feeling isn’t real to others but daunting and ignored to most. It is validated here. What you are sharing is real and you don’t have to be stronger than that moment, time period or relationship. Let’s discuss…
These are men’s experiences in and out of committed relationships. These are experiences man has been through. These are his strong moments that sometimes make him weak today. Let’s jump into their experiences but please make sure you are open.
“I promise I tried to give her everything she needed but I was never enough because I was never enough. I never cheated, I never lied, I never strayed, I made her my priority. She loved that about me during the relationship and even years after the relationship ended. I remember stopping my life to make sure she had everything she needed and most of what she wanted. She wasn’t driving, so I drove her around. She didn’t have money so I worked two jobs to make sure she did. She had no place to live, so I moved her in. She didn’t know how to communicate so I accepted her yelling. She called it touchy-feely but her touches were punches, pushes and holes in the wall. She called me a horrible man/boyfriend when I asked what else could I do. I woke up one morning and decided to get dressed for a meeting. Normally, I don’t dress up but I felt a necessary change in the way I dressed because I was not presenting myself in a professional manner. I wanted to dress for success. She saw it and asked me, “who am I getting all fancy for?” I explained to her my thoughts and she decided that was not enough. She told me I was getting dressed to leave her because she was struggling. She told me she could not be successful in a career and a relationship at the same time and I didn’t deserve to be successful. She ripped my sweater. She started to punch the wall. She pushed me. I sat down on the bed and felt powerless. She called her mom and I thought that would help. Her mom, yells and says “I wanted another guy for her anyway!” She started to attack me again. I called the police, they came and told me she was crazy. They had her on file for doing this before. I could not fight back, although it stung, it didn’t hurt because I’m built for this.”
“I remember waking up to punches to the back of my head. She was yelling and screaming after coming home drunk. She was out with one of her homegirls at 3 am. I told her to stop and asked her to lay down. When I mentioned she was drunk, she got even more mad and walked around the bed to get to my face. She punched me again and I snapped. I backslapped her and went to bed. I cried because she broke me. I swung back. She used to say that is how her parents interacted. She used to always tell me her mom was a fighter in their house and in the community. I couldn’t tell anyone what was happening. This wasn’t the first time she hit me. I used to always say “use your words”. The next day, she told me she didn’t even remember or knew what she was mad about. I told her I didn’t either. I had the scar but it only stung and didn’t hurt because I’m built for this. The final straw was when I was driving and she was going through some personal things, she didn’t want to live anymore so she grabbed the steering wheel while I was driving on the highway. We almost died. A car hit us. She admitted to the cops what happened. The cops asked me why I am with this person and I said she needs me and I’m built for this.”
“We had a disagreement about money. She was holding our child and smacked me. I just drove home. I didn’t realize what happened until three years later when a friend of mine was describing what happened to them. During the time it happened, I dismissed the slap as confirmation that I should not be with her because I’m a man, I’m built for this. I realized from that experience, I never got close to my child’s mother while she was holding our child. I also never talked about money with any other woman again.”
“I was in love; I mean this woman fit all of my desires. I pour everything into her and the relationship. She wanted a man that made good money and she loved nice things. So I got a part-time gig working security. This gave me extra cash to not just pay my bills but treat her. One night while working she kept texting and calling about my schedule and plans after. It didn’t feel right but I know leaving work would cause me to be anxious about not having money for the next gift I wanted to buy her. I decided to drive to her home after work that night because she was “out with coworkers”. I show up to her house and her ex was dropping her off and she was in sweatpants and her hair was disheveled. I realized what was happening or what happened but I kept my cool because I didn’t want her to see my sweat. I was too cool and “I was built for this”. I drove home and started scrolling through my Rolodex for a rebound. I never healed from that but writing this makes me want to address it.
“I was still hopeful at this point. Although, I was in college, young but I was ready. GREEN ready. She was my idea in person. Tall, athletic, pretty, smart, and driven. We kissed and I was like, OH YEAH! This is the one. We dated and started having sex. We had great sex. She used to tell me how good I was. She used to call me and ask to come over to get some sex in between classes or when she was having a bad moment. I felt that in addition to our conversation, emotional connection; we had a sexual chemistry. One day, I heard rumors that she had a man back at home. I ignored it. She went home for a break and I didn’t hear from her for 10 days. I called but no response. I just enjoyed friends and family. She came back and acted as if nothing happened. I played along but the rumors got louder and I asked. She said yeah I do have a man back at home but I’m here with you. I was stunned and played it off like I was cool. When she left, I was confused, crushed and concerned. Is this how things go? I started to detach. At least, I pretended to, I faked like I was good. I stopped being available and eventually stopped being seen. A week later, I pull up to my apartment building and I see her driving down. She stops and looks disheveled. I asked her if she was okay. She said she was just studying with a guy in her class. She looked just like how she used to look after sex. I smiled and said have a good night. She asked if she could call me later. I said yes because no matter how bothered, hurt, disappointed, confused I was, I am built for this.”
There is a thought that a man is strong enough and built to endure almost anything. Even beyond what is considered traumatic experiences by others. Sometimes men experience these things and move forward in life without addressing what happened to them. The adverse effects of not dealing with what has happened can be not just detrimental to them but also to the next woman they come in contact with on a relational level. We must understand that we can’t just push through everything and we have an emotional side that needs to be healed, addressed and noticed by others and more importantly ourselves. I watched men become cold emotionally in order to remain cool outwardly. I noticed myself doing the same thing by moving through life and operating as a result of my hurt as opposed to the results of my healing. As a man, you need to ask yourself “when I think of what happened, what does it mean to me and how do I describe it to others or myself?” Sometimes we describe these experiences as story-telling and detach the emotions we felt during the experience. I am sure some will read this and say “well what did HE do to deserve this?” Is that the same question we ask our counterparts? Let’s stay in their experiences for a second.
Men, we have to do more emotional healing and connecting in order to be better for ourselves, our partners, our children, and our partners. I challenge us to get to a place where we can be built to address these experiences in therapy.
photo credit: pixababy.com
