There seems to be a shift in how we operate today. We are still willing to give our time to people of interest, and yet there is a detachment or separation of sorts. The order of connecting with someone has changed. What used to be first is now an afterthought. What was once a condition to obtain physical penetration, is now an option that is seldom met. I am talking about the heart. It used to be the key to intimacy, but now it’s protected by giving our naked bodies. How did we get here? How did we get to the point where our naked bodies serve as shields to emotion and vulnerability? Are you willing to undress your heart before you take your clothes off?
Suited and Dressed Up Hearts
Our hearts are stubborn due to what we have experienced in the past after we’ve made the choice to share them. We walk around physically free, but our emotions are in bondage. Subconsciously, we are saying: “You can have my body but you can’t have my heart. You can enter me without penetrating my heart”.
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We have convinced ourselves that it’s not safe to take risks with our hearts or put our hearts in harm’s way. Although the heart is the body’s strongest, we refuse to exercise it. Some of us are literally conducting self-talks, saying: “Don’t catch feelings, you already know what it is” or, “just give him/her your body and the heart will come around later”. This often results in increasing your “body count” and further disconnecting from your heart. When we prepare to lay down, we throw our clothes on the floor, and stand there naked and detached because we have left our hearts in the car.
When did it become easier to give your body away than to share your heart? Or the better question is: why have we allowed this to be the norm?
Broken hearts have led to broken norms in society. “Detachment-sex” is the norm until we don’t get what we want. When the relationship doesn’t go our way, we think: “but, how could you leave me? I gave you my body!” The real question should be: “What are you doing with my heart?” Even those who are having sex are not taking the time to explore the wants and needs of their partners. Instead, they are making assumptions about what pleases their partners based on previous sexual encounters. If we took the time to really get to know a potential partner, the sex would be emotionally amazing as opposed to emotionally draining. Because of impatience, learning the mind, body, and soul has been replaced with selfish goals that are only aimed at finishing. The connection with our partners should be made before we lay down and should continue long after we get up.
There is a “community of wait”. This is the community that is practicing abstinence or celibacy. I found out that, for myself and many others in this community, we were going about this process of connecting all wrong. We’d made it about us or the person we were choosing not to sleep with. But rather, the focus of The Wait, should be to create a closer connection to God and prepare for the person God has for you. Some of us still protected our hearts even when we didn’t give our bodies. We used waiting as a badge of honor, but we were also waiting to connect with someone emotionally and spiritually. Withholding sex is great but are we willing to unfold our hearts to connect. Ask yourself what is the purpose of The Wait. In the waiting, are you repairing yourself or are you abstaining from sex to protect yourself from another failed relationship? Sex is off the table, but is your heart on the table? There is pressure to give in to fit in and find love, but stay strong. Someone will respect your desire to be heart/spirit-led.
BE WILLING TO UNDRESS YOUR HEART
Be willing to be touched – not just physically, but within your mind, heart, and spirit. Be willing to let someone discover the parts of you that you keep locked away. It’s easy to take your clothes off, but difficult to undress your heart. I know it’s challenging, but remember your heart is strong and it needs exercise. Allow it to be touched. Wait on physical penetration until they are willing to connect/protect/cover your heart as if it were theirs. Be available to share your heart. This doesn’t mean you give your heart to any and everyone you meet, but take the time to learn them. Really invest in love! Remember that feelings aren’t taught, but the reactions to feelings are. Will you act in defense or be proactive with your heart?
(Image credit: James Smith follow him at SLIMSMIZZLE on Instagram)
I couldn’t have said it better myself. I have been wondering the same thing on our society. You have identified exactly what I was trying to share with someone and they just didn’t get it. So I had to make a decision to walk away. It was hard because I’ve given my heart to this person and they just didn’t appreciate it. So thank you Paul! for sharing this. I won’t give up on love by giving or receiving it. He’s out there! Just patiently waiting.
Wow, very well written. I’m always inspired when I read your posts, and this is no exception. As always, thank you for sharing!
Insightful and very helpful. I tend to forget our hearts need exercise. Thank you for sharing this.
Good day Mr Williams.
Powerful . How can I get in contact with you ? I am from South africa , and just started on my first book , my first chapter would be about sex without emotion , is it possible ? Have we became so addicted to the “feel good hormone” and so afraid of love that we choose to avoid all emotions.
I fully agree with this message of knowing them on an intimate level that has nothing to do with undressing physically. Get to know them as an individual, what they believe in and then decide of this person is better suited to be a friend vs a life-long partner in marriage. I don’t understand how sex is supposed to lead to something meaningful when you don’t even like each other? It can be frustrating when trying to open up when you know they don’t want to or are unable to. But then, in trying, we may very well be the person they needed in this season they are in? Simply have to use discernment and be loving, without sex.
I love your honesty and passion about your work. Thank you for your spirit of honesty and openness. I look forward to reading and learning more from your teachings.
Sex is off the table, but is your heart on the table? The Wait! Is such a powerful statement! I like the way you broke this down like a lincoln logs tinker toy…. so many people need to understand and trust the process…